For not knowing.

And the many instances of insensitivities are just strange hues and nuances of color, hiding and appearing in my field of vision, it has been too long and I'm back in my world. A sort of eerie consolation that it's good to be here where I can smell things better, instead of just looking at them.
I guess, I'll walk around for some time and acquaint myself with the things I might have long buried or forgotten to gaze into, and also in the off chance that I might find my way to the ocean and hear infinity for some time, to close my eyes in its scent and in remembrance. Somewhere I can hear Duritz sing, music passing through this haze like an old transistor radio but becoming clearer as time passes.
I have forgotten how lovely the lights here are, changing and always familiar. It's easy to remember the late afternoon sun, dappled and revealing that face, or candlelight yellow, showing only what it can, and painting everything else in shadow, and how those eyes in that light forever burned in your memory. Then blue, blue that only early mornings can muster and give like a miser on his deathbed, the perfect color and time to be cold and be alive and how being embraced is being home.

This is knowing again.

---

And remembering when everything threatens to be a jaded yesterday, like only something from a reverie, Enid Blytonesque. This is time to revel again, in some old ways I remember, and there's always the same feeling how Case must have felt, holding that note from Molly. When everything worthwhile and a reason to smile is just "a series of warm blinks strung along a chain of winter". This is decadence, and change at every corner.

I'm so fucking tired of this.

I'm supposed to be reaching new heights of happiness, but I knew vaguely some time or the other that this would happen . Going on a nosedive again as gravity is a matter of urgency and I can feel air enclosing my face, and there's that feeling again, asphyxiation; and being too tired to breath anyway, I welcome the fall, watching contrails from my fingers trailing behind me. I look down and wonder how I have gotten this far --- hearing Smashing Pumpkins play, I wonder no longer. Just fall and wait for the blackness.

...

I just so very badly want to see the ocean today, overcast and cold; everything threatening rain.

...